Almost the Year Without a Birthday Party

My son’s birthday is one of the biggest celebrations in our family. I plan for months for the perfect party, they are still talking about the parties from years past. However, this year was almost the year without a birthday party. The first sign that there might be trouble was on Friday, when the venue called to ask if we still wanted to have our party Saturday. I looked on the weather channel and it said light snow, so I said “yes, we want to keep our party slot.”

Next, I started receiving emails and texts on Saturday morning from some of the guest. “Are you still having the party?” they all asked. “It’s snowing. Do you think it is safe to drive?” Before making the decision, I looked outside. There was only 3 inches of snow, which is a dusting for us New Englanders. Given the fact that I had all of the food and party favors ready and it didn’t seem that bad, I told everyone that the party was still on. We packed up the car and drive to the site of the party, and set up and waited. Gradually the more adventurous guests arrived. While it was only half of the guests and I have a lot of leftovers, my son was still able to have his birthday party. And, all of those that did attend had a good time. How do you celebrate birthdays with your children?

Happy Catch Up Day!

Now that the week has ended at your job, it is time to catch up on your sleep, laundry, housework, grocery shopping and house projects. Make sure to enjoy your cup of coffee first. We have been finishing a project in our home office, getting laundry done and preparing for my son’s birthday party. When we finish, my son has requested to watch Grown Ups 2 again (damn you Sandler Syndrome). What are you catching up on today?

So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999!

I remember being at a great party New Year’s Eve 1999 and singing the lyrics to Prince’s 1999 at the top of my lungs with everyone else. I don’t like to admit it, but it has been a long time since I partied like 1999. Today my parties include juice boxes and bouncy houses. They are still crazy, but it is usually a sugar induced insanity. Lots of cake, candy, screaming, yelling and running in circles. Some of our themes have included Thomas the Train, Star Wars, Super Heroes, Taekwondo, Beyblade World Championship, Polar Express, Laser Tag and Sharks. What they all have in common is how happy we are to celebrate with our son and his friends. We love to bring joy to our son in whatever way makes him happy on a given year. How do you celebrate your children’s’ birthdays? Attach pictures, so that we can share your memories with you.

Boot Camp

Attention!  Your mission should you choose to accept it is of utmost importance.  It will be the most difficult job you will ever do and will take everything you got!  In order to prepare you for the mother of all missions, we are going to put you through a series of tests.

Our first test begins now, we will punch you in the stomach off and on for the next 12 to 18 hours.  And, then when you can’t take it anymore, we are going to ask you to do stomach crunches.  I can’t hear you maggots!  Did you say you want your mommy?

After a day of recovery, we will start the next test–sleep deprivation.  You will not be allowed to sleep for the next three days.  Every hour we will blast the sound of a crying baby to make sure that you don’t fall asleep.  You will also be required to get up and feed your demo baby and change his diaper.  If you can avoid divulging all your secrets and begging for mercy, you will move onto the next test.

So, you panty waists think you’ve had enough?  Now the real games begin.  Let me introduce you to Catch the Toddler.  We are using an old greyhound race track, and in place of the rabbit we have a toddler running around the track.  Chasing him, you will need to bob and weave ‘cause this critter don’t go in a straight line.  Every time you get close, that boy darts and runs away laughing.  You’d have an easier time catching a greased pig.  When you do finally catch him, he’s gonna laugh and say “Again! Again!”

Next, we’ll test your organizational skills, memory, and tolerance for chaos and mix it all up with some K.P. Duty.  It’s the birthday party.  After gathering provisions, we will put you in a room with 20 screaming 4 year old children.  While they are all asking you for something at same time, your virtual son will start crying.  Your primary objective is to serve all of the cake, ice cream and punch.  When you fall from exhaustion, then you get to clean up from the fun and games.  I expect the Mess Hall to be spic and span!

For test number five, you will have to get four little pukes out of bed and ready for school at the end of their summer vacation.  Stripping the bed is an acceptable technique for getting them to move.  You may choose to dowse them with water, but remember you have clean up duty when they leave.  You will have to clean the water from the barracks.  While you will be tempted, we won’t allow cattle prods for this test.  If you get desperate, you may use an air horn.  Double time!  I hear the bus coming!

Wipe that smile off of your face!  We’re just getting started.  You still have to teach your little angel how to drive.  First, take out your wallet and hand it to your auto insurance company.  They will be going on your vacation this year.   Buckle up!  Oh, and that screaming noise is not in your head any longer.

I have never seen such a sorry bunch of recruits.  I suppose you are now afraid to become mommies.  Well let me tell you something, the father recruits didn’t make it past the first test.