Attention! Your mission should you choose to accept it is of utmost importance. It will be the most difficult job you will ever do and will take everything you got! In order to prepare you for the mother of all missions, we are going to put you through a series of tests.
Our first test begins now, we will punch you in the stomach off and on for the next 12 to 18 hours. And, then when you can’t take it anymore, we are going to ask you to do stomach crunches. I can’t hear you maggots! Did you say you want your mommy?
After a day of recovery, we will start the next test–sleep deprivation. You will not be allowed to sleep for the next three days. Every hour we will blast the sound of a crying baby to make sure that you don’t fall asleep. You will also be required to get up and feed your demo baby and change his diaper. If you can avoid divulging all your secrets and begging for mercy, you will move onto the next test.
So, you panty waists think you’ve had enough? Now the real games begin. Let me introduce you to Catch the Toddler. We are using an old greyhound race track, and in place of the rabbit we have a toddler running around the track. Chasing him, you will need to bob and weave ‘cause this critter don’t go in a straight line. Every time you get close, that boy darts and runs away laughing. You’d have an easier time catching a greased pig. When you do finally catch him, he’s gonna laugh and say “Again! Again!”
Next, we’ll test your organizational skills, memory, and tolerance for chaos and mix it all up with some K.P. Duty. It’s the birthday party. After gathering provisions, we will put you in a room with 20 screaming 4 year old children. While they are all asking you for something at same time, your virtual son will start crying. Your primary objective is to serve all of the cake, ice cream and punch. When you fall from exhaustion, then you get to clean up from the fun and games. I expect the Mess Hall to be spic and span!
For test number five, you will have to get four little pukes out of bed and ready for school at the end of their summer vacation. Stripping the bed is an acceptable technique for getting them to move. You may choose to dowse them with water, but remember you have clean up duty when they leave. You will have to clean the water from the barracks. While you will be tempted, we won’t allow cattle prods for this test. If you get desperate, you may use an air horn. Double time! I hear the bus coming!
Wipe that smile off of your face! We’re just getting started. You still have to teach your little angel how to drive. First, take out your wallet and hand it to your auto insurance company. They will be going on your vacation this year. Buckle up! Oh, and that screaming noise is not in your head any longer.
I have never seen such a sorry bunch of recruits. I suppose you are now afraid to become mommies. Well let me tell you something, the father recruits didn’t make it past the first test.